i can't.

i can't i can't i can't.



why why whyyyyyyy,you both really alike.=(
maybe i miss him too much...
miss him very very very much=(

still wondering...maybe really is my imagination...
i really thought i was dreaming...
or should be said,i hope that time i was dreaming,all was only my imaginations...
at least i won't be as depressed as now...
but...the messages in my inbox are real...
i hope my eyes got problems,misinterpret those...






反反复复。那些都好像一支支的针，刺入我心中。
你永远都看不见，其实我的心一直在淌血。
我竟然卸下冷漠，我以为时过境迁。
却又冷不防的中了一记。
人生是很无奈的，永远都不知道随时会被什么打败。
我真的很失败。
痛，永无止境的痛。

he confess to me again and again.

i rejected him again and again.

i don't want to hurt him.i really don't want.

what can i say besides sorry?

you are not lacking anything.

just that,my heart is occupied with another person.

a person who used to sayang me as much as what you did to me now.

24/06

had fun during bio practical today :D
food test experiment :D
heard many "ping pong piang" sound today in lab.haha
many people broke test tubes today...
and me too broke 1 test tube ._." hehe
and i very blur,spill the solutions out because forgot i holding the test tubes when moving my hands-.-"
luckily when the lab assistant heard the "piang" sound,she come over and help me clean it.and she still smile at me,said very hot oh the test tube >< *gratitude* feel so bad broke it>.

MS presentation next week ahhhh!!!!!!
GP test next week ahhhh!!!!!!(but dunno what to study for this O.O)
other tests next next week ahhhh!!!!!!
*shouting loud loud but i am still onlining here without study o.O*
maths no problem i think :D
but others got big problemssss!!!!!especially chemistry ><
zen me ban =(

gonna move place next week :D
gonna live alone in a single room~
wo shi xing fu de xiao hai^^
hiak hiak hiak^~^


i found out i like to do experiment but don't like to memorize all those theory T____T
life is miserable with all those facts and formulas T______T
my brain is functioning slow T__________T

*back in JB :) *

21/06

tests are coming in two weeks time.

and yet i am still dreaming.

when can i wake up and back to the reality?

study study study.

i hate malaysians study =\

friday friday friday.

jb i am coming bac :D

if you believe,then will got hope.

a sha gua is by my side.and i think i hurt him.sorry.

should i wait?yes,because you are my everything.



i miss you.i heard my heart is broken again.didn't you know that?

so simple,so true yet so painful

where are you?

you told me you are here.

i thought i found you again.

but just............

isn't my imagination of too missing you?

*wake up*
somebody please shouting this to me.

......
i was defeated by a nightmare.
my heart is bleeding.


梦境和现实是相反的，你知道吗？不要怕，我会一直在你身旁。可是，你会相信我吗?

happy father's day

he is the 1st one who hold my hand.he is the 1st one who hug me.he is the one who dote me the most.


i love him.
in my memories,he never cane me before.and he bring me out to escape when my mum beaten me up.when i was small,everytime playing with my bro and he started to bully me,i will shout for help,and my kelian bro will be scolded by him.
before the age of entering kindergarten,he love to bring me out whenever he go.shopping,yumcha with his friends,or just driving car to go wherever i want.i remembered he love to bring me go for a spin with his motorcycle when i was kid.i sat in front of him and he just let me control the steering(dangerous act,dun learn!>.<) and about the age of entering kindergarten,he hold my hand out for a stroll,and passed by 2 kindergarten.he asked me which 1 i wan to study,and i just pointed the 1 has a bigger playground in the kindergarten...haha...and he bring me enrolled to that kindergarten.everyday i ask him to bring me to the shop opposite the pasar to "转鸡蛋".this is my childhood,full of memories with him.i like to ask him for reward whenever i got good result in primary school.he will buy me anything that i wan to eat,even it's from far away.he try to give me everything that i want.he spent a lot on me.HE IS MY BELOVED DAD. :)


sometimes he is very humour.but i found out he will be like that in front of me only.LOL.i like to chat with him.he make me feel relieved.i am very naughty,like to ask him 2 questions:1.why my name is 惜敏,not思敏? 2.why my name "simin" don't have a space between(si min)? LOL




on phone with him yesterday,he asked me why don't want go ipg.i can't answer it.he sounds...a bit disappointed(?)he said don't have enough money for me.he still find a way to let me enter matrikulasi.i know i let him down for my spm result,but he still smile at me,said i was doing better than my bro.


i made his burden become heavier.i feel i am so useless when i see him getting older and older whenever i go back home.his hair is getting white.he has many health problems but still working hard.sometimes i really feel heartache when i see all these......


and i miss him very much now.i feel like going back home badly.=( 
daddy,happy father's day.

let it go

maybe i just can't let go.
it's kind of miserable(?)
所有的一切，怎么都深深的烙印在我心里，挥之不去。
脑海中又闪过好多好多的回忆
是好事？坏事？

one of the funny memories with him.i used to like to pinch him,punch him,bite him.LOL
one day,his hand gt bruise because of my bite the day before.and we went to lunch,1 of his friends saw it and asked him:"eh,why ur hand gt bruise 1?" he stunned a while and then stared at me.i looked down at my rice and try not to laugh,but still feel like laughing when heard him answered his friend like this:"owh,that day didn't see properly when walking,and then bang my hand to the table.so yea......" i still remembered that day i keep laughing at him,saying who will so geng bang his hand to the table at that angle.LOL.
funny memories.but i don't know i should smile or cry when these flash back in my mind.
just stop it...let it flow away,can?:'(
either big rain,river water,sea water or whatever...just help me wash it away :'(

what to say............................

i don't know what to say.
but just,i really miss him =(


take care.


i hope i can stop thinking anything.
memories,will fade,one day.


*when is that day?*




you deserved better without him.


*owh,really?*

:'(

i really can't get him outta my mind.
stop it.
it's enough .
enough of hurting.
enough of crying. :'(

i will wait for you

"i will wait for you."




thanks to the one who told me this sentence today:)
thank you and sorry.




Lord,thanks for sending him into my life to cheer me up.
Thank You Lord :)




i shouldn't be so cruel to hurt him.
just give me some time to get over it.
u waiting for me.
but i am waiting for him.
so what is this?a cycle?


i shouldn't be so selfish to hurt him.
to let a girl who doesn't love you to be your girlfriend.
time,really will make me forget everything??
i see the similarity from you both.
and yes,i am scared.




i can't get it.
we gone through so many things.
why he can let me go like that.
yea,i love him.








女生喜欢的是让她笑的男生，而爱上的却是让她哭的男生。

i miss you

i miss you...very much...
where the hell are you? 




SIMIN,BE STRONG.

fate

i still remembered how i know him...
our 1st chat is on fb...yes,i knew him via fb...
he told me,he met me during the orientation week...it was at the 1st moral session,and we were introducing ourselves in front...he told me he and his frens went to LOL when heard me said my name is "simen"...LOL...fine...many people called me that as my nickname too T__T
the 1st time i met him...
it was a wednesday night...i went to cheryl's room to find her...after chat with her a while,she was going to attend a prayer meeting...when i back to my room,it was LOCKED!my roommate out for class without my knowing and she locked our room...and i didn't bring out my room key and handphones...i faster ran to cheryl's room again,and luckily she hadn't out yet...i used her phone to call my roommate...but too bad,my roommate has 2 numbers but cheryl only got 1 of them...and at night after back to my room,i only know that my roommate didn't bring out the phone that i called...-.-" initially,i wanted to wait at cheryl's room and didn't want to follow her to prayer meeting...but she asked me to go with her...and i followed her coz i felt so weird to stay alone in other's room and i worried of her night-blindness...and i just planned to walk around v4 until her meeting ended,but at last i attended that meeting too...and it was my 1st time to meet him,and the others from Hope church,in the prayer meeting...and it was also the 1st time,i get to know more about Christ...


he is always the 1st 1 to appear when i need help...he helped me to find a 2nd hand labcoat,he helped me to dabao lunch and dinner whenever he went out to eat,sometimes he belanja me to eat,gave me advices and anything i just consult him...after get to know more each other,he brought me and cheryl out for dinner,and sometimes pasar malam,mamak...he encouraged me everytime,he consoled me when i was down...he brought me out for a stroll,listened to me crying when i was in a bad mood...we always go to the grocery shop with a reason of buy things when we out for dinner with other friends,and that's the only time we can hold our hands without letting others know...he bought me chocolate milk, snacks and any other things i requested...
he taught me physics,pre-cal and chemistry before my test 1...we studied together at the usm cafe...few days before my test 1,he came from v5 to v1 every night to teach me...he brought me water just because i said i lazy to bring...he brought me food just because i said hungry...he cooked me mushroom soup just because i said i wanna drink it...he bought me ice-cream and candies from kopetro when i said i wanna bite on something...1st time he bought me candies,i throw back all the orange and strawberry flavored candies to him just because i don't eat them...and he went back to kopetro again to buy me chocolates...we go for a walk around there when i was tired for studying...we chat a lot and he really bring a lot of laughter to me...i felt the warmness he bring to me when we hold hands and take a stroll there...before my physics test 1,he prayed for me and told me to do my best...after my phy test 1,the moment i stepped out from the exam hall and i saw him...i felt like hugging him and tell him i screwed my test,but i know i can't do so...he asked me how was it,and i just shake my head and gave him a sad face...he told me nvm,it's over already and he left with cheryl and church mates to pj for a bible conference that day...i asked him don't buy anything for me,but he brought me back a little seal and now only left it to accompany me......
he is the one who getting nervous and bring me to clinic when i had a serious stomachache...he is the one who always remind me and scold me to take my medicine whenever i don't want to take it...he is the one who forbid me to take any cold drinks,fried food and ice-cream when i am sick...he is the one who always remind me to drink more water and take care of myself well...he is the one who boil water for me and bring all the way from v5 to v1 when i said i lazy to boil the water...
every night skype or oovoo with him...we skype-ed and he wanted to make sure that i ate my medicine when i was sick...he make me laugh,he make me feel happiness...and it's a very sweet and nice moment between us...sometimes he come to find me,every time i look out from my room window and i will c he standing downstairs waiting for me......
damn...i don't want to remember all the things...but it just flashed in my mind......
lots and lots of sweet memories...i cried when i think all of that......
and people do change...and the speed of a person change,is as fast as lightning...
last week can just say love you,and this week just walk away,left you alone...
simin,please don't cry anymore,alright?you will be fine,smile......
this is my fate...




Lord,i pray that You can calm my mind and heart.
Lord,please bless me and give me strength.
Lord,thank you for sending him into my life.
Lord,please forgive me.
Lord,i will continue to be faithful to you.
Lord,thank you for Your grace and mercy.
Amen.

forever

Love is forever and that's what you mean to me.



what is forever?a joke?a lie?a promise?

永远，它真的很遥远。
所以，不要相信所谓的
“永远”。

........

don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

(when facing everyone)having a big smile on my face...

"yes,i am fine" "yea,nothing much"

then, turn back and my cheek is going to wet again......

wipe off the tears and force a smiley face...

"never mind :)" "really,really okay..."

just tell me how much can my heart take?

...insomnia night...

.......

You didn't intentionally break my heart, you even said you were sorry, but I cried anyway... 

isn't it really too late already?just let me cry...although i didn't feel better......

......

My heart was taken by you... broken by you... and now it is in pieces because of you.

I'm so paranoid of getting hurt. I am always getting my heart broken over and over. My heart has so many scars and bruises all over it. I don't know how much just one heart can take really, and I don't really want to find out either.

 i don't know what was wrong...it can't solve......

.....

You always say you hate to see me hurt, and you hate to see me cry. So all those times that you hurt me, did you close your eyes?



yes...maybe i am okay?maybe......*fake smile* 
what can i reply besides telling you that i am okay?
oh yea...i am lying...to myself......

....

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying.

Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again.

 am i really ok?am i...?please convince to me that i am really ok......

...

collect my tears,and it can make you drown.

once, he told me tears are precious, don't cry easily...but now, tears can't stop flowing from my eyes......

..

Boy boy: Sorry.

Girl girl: You didn't lose me, you just lost a silly girl who really care for you and love you a lot. :')

i looks at little bun bun...and it makes me cry...haha...it is so naughty...but still it is very cute...can you answer me what i have told you?

.

Dear Girl,
I think its time for you to just let go of him. He has hurt you and me too much. Just let the memories fade. It's time to leave him behind. I know it will be hard, but it's for the best, trust me. Just keep trying...
Love always,
Your Heart

Thanks God for sending angels to my side and cheer me up. :)

:)? :(?

我失恋了。

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。

失眠。

哭了睡。睡了哭。

告诉我还能如何？

抉择

快乐和幸福那么相似,可是快乐就是幸福吗?

给你一碗孟婆汤、你会选择遗忘什么?

 

值得思考一下。哈。

幸福如果没有快乐 ，就肯定不是幸福。但是快乐未必是幸福，快乐是短暂，幸福是长久。

既然选择喝下孟婆汤，那已经没有选择可选择了。那就忘掉一切吧，全新的自己，全新的生活，不是更好吗？或许吧。可是，认识你的人还认识你，只是你忘了他们，那又该如何呢？

 

感觉是不会骗人的，除非从一开始它就欺骗了你。

 

当你在黑暗深处，是否会记得，或许往前走，你就能看见那一道曙光。可是你会选择前进或是裹足不前？

 人，每一天都在选择、作决定。没有对或错，只有你懂不懂的聪明的作一项决定，取得双赢的局面。

抉择。

37天。